Painful, but funny

I am trying to learn Korean, but I feel more like a class clown. Come on, it's a difficult language, but this concept is 100% lost on my class of 9-year olds. "Teacher! One more time!!" is what I hear over and over again to a chorus of uproarious laughter. I understand though. I can imagine what it must be like to see a white-washed alien coming down to Earth and attempting to speak English. What a freak! Unfortunately, it's them who get to do the probing. I'll tell you what the kids find the absolute funniest thing in the world. Don't try this at home. It goes by the name of ddong chim and it looks to be the most painful part of Korean culture. First, lock your hands together. Then point your first fingers of both hands like your shooting a gun. Now, creep up behind an unsuspecting person and ram your fingers up his/her bum. Ha ha ha. Very funny.

"It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone." -Homer

Superlavating

Where do you go to wet your whistle in my little corner of Seoul? Well, the Happy Liquor Pia of course. Where else? I would love to say that place names like this are infrequent and misleading of the Koreans' grasp of the English language, but I would be lying through my teeth, and you don't want me to lie, do you? Yes, the concepts of subtlety and understatement are completely lost here. For example, why name your bar something classy or eloquent when you can have a name that is as descriptive as "Happy Liquor Pia"? Think about it. When I am walking by this place I immediately know that I can buy liquor at this place. And obviously liquor makes people happy. Now the "Pia", well that just plain sounds good. You may ask yourself, "why didn't I think of a name like that?" Well, you would not be alone.

The Happy Liquor Pia serves Molson Canadian.

Korea in a Nutshell

Hello out there! Perhaps it's time to give you all some background on Korea (from my point of view that is). Korea is a land of wonder. For example, I often wonder what on Earth they are thinking. These intelligent and hard working people often have fierce illusions of gradure. The national sidedish is called kimchi and is basically spicy, pickled cabbage. It is served with every meal (I mean every meal). It is also the source of a huge amount of pride for Koreans who not only claim it as their favourite food, but as the best food in the universe. But that is not all, oh no, that is not all. The medicinal properties of this noble cabbage are epic. In fact, did you know that kimchi has successfully kept SARS out of Korea? I bet you didn't. Avian flu doesn't stand a chance.

To be fair, I should add that.... aw screw it.

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king." - I have no idea who said that

Itaewon

What do you do when you have only seen two foreigners in your area of Seoul in 3 1/2 months? Get out of your area. One of the most difficult parts about living in this country for me is the lack of good conversation. I have ached for it. Sure Carrie and I have each other, but, well.... Come ahhhhhhnnnnnn. We both need a little variety in the chit chat department. So, on Saturday night we went to the foreigner part of town, Itaewon. (That word "foreigner", I can't get used to it. Everytime I am called that I feel like I don't belong here, but that is a whole other entry.)

The first time I went there, I hated it. It was like a little pocket of all the worst America had to offer: fast food restaurants, huge clothing, buzz cuts, and in-your-face consumerism. This time was much different. Carrie and I went to a pub where we were a majority! I stopped to listen and could only hear the sweet caress of English on my ears, and for a moment, I was home. It was very therapeutic. We even got to speak English. I mean English English.... not a broken form containing "do... you... un-der-stand?" and innumerable hand gestures. Ahhh relief. I feel like I am ready to get on with things now. I guess the first step to solving a problem is always the hardest.

And in the words of Bart Simpson, "I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try."

Culture Torture

Whoever coined the phrase "culture shock" should be shot. Ok, maybe not, but they should at least have to go for a time out. It should be called "culture torture". For me culture "shock" was easy. It was funny. It was easy and funny. It consisted of laughing at all the little differences between Korea and Canada. "Oh my god," I would exclaim, "look at the size of their Coke cans, they are so small!" And I would laugh at all the things that make Korea strange and wonderful. The "shock" was the easy part; then the torture began.

What used to be cute and endearing is starting to make me irritable. For example, they eat dogs. This in itself is not a crime I guess. I don't agree with it, and you would probably find me munching away on Alfonso Gagliano before Lassie (ok maybe not), but they take every opportunity to remind me that they eat dog. Over and over again. "We eat dog, you know." "It's good for your health: especially man." They think it helps them perform sexually. Ok, you eat dog. You see that it makes me uncomfortable. Very funny.

So the shock is no problem. That is what travelers get. You stop at a place and pick up some good vibes and continue on your way. What I never really clued in on is that they keep on living those lives forever. Now I am in those lives. I wake up in the morning only to realize that I am going to be reminded again that they eat dog, and I do not. And I am going to feel uncomfortable about it. Oh, but I won't eat dog. No, no sir. I will not eat dog!

Donkey's lips do not fit onto a horse's mouth. -Chinese Proverb

A Time-Honoured Practice

So Koreans hit their kids. I was musing to a friend who has been to Korea over email that it is like a national passtime, and that often the kids will hit back. Well, in poetic fashion he replied that this first seems cruel and unusual, but after getting to know the kids you wonder why they don't hit them harder. Well, all kidding aside, I don't agree with corporal punishment, but who am I do be so enthocentric.. have at 'er! Ok, maybe all kidding wasn't aside.

Yesterday, after my director's four-year old son put up a fuss over I-don't-know-what full with crocodile tears and such, my director taught him how to administer corporal punishment by flicking the forhead with a fingernail. They practiced for a while on each other and I was honoured to have witnessed the age old Korean tradition of corporal punishment being passed on to yet another generation.

"You Don't Expect Me to Swallow this Tripe!?"

I am pretty useless at picking up on the nuances of conversation. Case in point: last night after Tae Kwon Do as I am pathetically trying to sit cross-legged, my instructor asks me if I would like to go out for a couple drinks with a few of the people from Tae Kwon Do. (We do this every now and again, and it consists of drinking some beers and eating pubfare. Not quite Maude's buffalo wings, but not bad. Mostly Kimchi (fermented cabbage) and squid sticks.) I agree and we are on our way.

As we are leaving we start down the road in the opposite direction of our usual place. I am walking with the only other person who speaks English, Yu Mi an English kindergarten teacher. She points to her stomach and asks me, "what you call this?" She often asks me different vocabulary. I tell her stomach, and she says, "No, no.... inside." Ahhhh.... guts? intestine? She asks me if I have ever eaten it, and I laugh, no, no, no.

I could have taken this as a hint and ran, but I am very slow. So my generous instructor and our friends from Tae Kwon Do sit down to a nice meal of barbequed tripe. Eeek. I have a few bites. It isn't bad, but I can't help thinking as I look through the ring that once safely delivered a pig's feces out of its body that the war is over. And as I chew endlessly on this noble body part, I ask myself why they are still eating wartime rations. But I take solace in the fact that someone out there is making sure that the nether-regions of a pig's anatomy aren't going to waste.

Korean Food

Kalbi is Korean barbeque. It is one of my favourites to be sure.

Soju... at 90 cents a bottle and 22% it is not to be taken lightly.

Omicha Tea with rice cakes. Set in an urban oasis in Insa-dong.

All the side dishes you could ever want!

Kimchi! Delicious.

Steet stalls... mmmm.

The most expensive pears you are likely to see. During Chuseok they individually wrap them for gifts.

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Big Grapes!

Dried Whatsits.

Street Miscellany.

Red Ginseng

Millions of dried shrimp.

Millions of little fishies.

Glossary

• Adjumma: Korean married woman. When a woman gets married she goes through a marked change. She starts wearing colorful clothing and pushing people in the subway.
  


• Adjoshi: You can tell him by his red face. Korean man.
  


• EFL: English as a Foreign Language, as oppose to learning in a country like the USA.
  


• Gochu-jang: Red Pepper paste. Korean ketchup, it is in everything.
  


• Hagwon: Where Korea's children come to learn all manner of subjects. An afterschool learning center/babysitter.
  


• Kimchi: spicy fermented cabbage and staple food. Goes well with everything, but I will never be able to eat this for breakfast. Also curer of many ailments including SARS. Note: May cause peptic ulcers
  


• Norae-bang: Korean karaoke. It's swept the nation. Even the radio sings out of tune now!
  


• Pabo: stupid, crazy, silly, teacher, house, mountain, horse, lobotomy. Very versatile, like Joe Pantoliano.
  


• Po-shin-tang: dog meat soup. Now you know!
  


• Samgipsal: This is a type of pig meat, not unlike bacon. Sam means 3 and it is named that because it has 1, 2, 3 strips of fat on it. Tasty, but deadly.
  


• Soju:the local brew. At about 90 cents a 375ml bottle it is hard to resist. But at 22% it is not to be taken lightly. Goes great with samgipsal and red-faced Koreans. See also battery acid.
  


• Waygook: Foreigner: children will often point with wonder and yell "Waygook saram" (foreign person)
  

More to come!